Being Deliberate Delivers

From moment to moment, we are in different states; they could be a state of reflection, a state of joy, a state of being engaged. Unfortunately, many of us are in the habit of being in the state of indifference, or a state of being distracted. We just go through the motions. We nod and uh-huh to our kids as we check our phones. We zone out in meetings. We hand a cup of coffee to our partner and don’t even look him or her in the eye. And they just grunt, “Thanks.”

Pat Parelli says, “Take the time it takes so it takes less time,” meaning doing something properly, such as really listening and connecting with someone, will yield more positive results rather than “faking it” or “doing something half-heartedly.”

And your relationships won’t be so much work in the long run, if you start them off right.

My friend, Julia, prompted this message. She is visiting from Germany and works on our dairy farm. We both love horses. I watched her feed the horses, and instead of just dumping the feed into the tubs, she waited until the horses listened and pleasantly engaged with her, rather than blowing her off, rude or grumpy. She just waited a little bit until she got a more pleasant and wanted response. Did it take a little more time? Sure. But her experience was better. What if we all took a little more time to create a state of being present and in the moment? If we took a few more moments to focus on what’s in front of us?

You can’t just show up and expect anything worthwhile without making an investment. Showing up engaged gives life to your experiences and relationships. Being present, or in the “now,” is a state worth creating.

Insights on How to Better Communicate with the Men in Your Life

 

Over the past year I had the privilege of discussing Man Information with men. The secret survey of men provided information from 2000 men. And another seminar I was fortunate to attend was called “Men are Like Dogs, and You are a Bad Owner.” Let me tell you—it was interesting! No rocks were left unturned.

Did you know that women make the mistake of communicating with men like they are hairy women? Men and women tend to process things differently, have slightly different communication styles, and men and women were generally raised differently; they received different messages from their parents, from society, and from the media. So, it’s not surprising that communicating with men just as you would your female friends and relatives sometimes doesn’t turn out as well as you want.

Here are two pieces of information from “Men are Like Dogs” that gave me new insights:

The first one is that women are often a bit up and down with their emotions, so for them, getting upset and then getting over it would be like jumping off a dock and climbing back up fairly quickly.

For a man, it’s like being in the middle of an ocean and having to swim for miles to land. In other words, it takes much longer for a man to switch emotional gears.

The second piece that stood out was, as women we are always interrupting one another. We jump in and finish each other’s sentences. Perhaps it’s our collaborative nature.

But, men would like us to know that even though we are usually right, we should wait until they have finished speaking before interrupting. They like feeling that they have been heard.

So ladies, we need to embrace these Dogs and tweak our communications for maximum efficiency. Small changes, such as giving men time to process their feelings and not interrupting, are easy to do, and will significantly improve your communication. Give yourself a challenge and try these two tips this week, and see what happens!

Don’t Neglect Your Feminine Energy

 

We live in a society that thinks work is far better than leisure. You aren’t praised for going on vacation, you’re praised for all the overtime you put in. You get the evil eye if you take a long lunch, and a pat on the back if you work through lunch. You’re not admired for taking time for yourself, you’re admired for juggling a million things going on in your life. “How does she do it all?” “Wow, she really has her stuff together!”

It’s quite sad, if you think about it. And, unfortunately, not only does it make our existence less enjoyable; it actually impacts our health and our relationships.

Dr. Sara Gottfied’s research shows when women stay too much in their masculine, it wreaks havoc with our hormones. Staying in the masculine means more competition, more ambition, more systems and procedures, and more stress. And when we’re stressed, cortisol, a steroid hormone in our bodies, is released. Gottfied believes that the “new crack” is cortisol. If we’re constantly stressed and too much cortisol is being released, it has negative, and often serious, consequences to our health.

Learning how to engage both the masculine and feminine is what ends up making us whole. You need both of these energies as your power sources. They are necessary tools for shaping your life.

balanceWhen women have too much masculine energy, we get overwhelmed and burn out. Feminine energy is needed for balance. Whereas masculine energy is all about competition, ambition, and systems, feminine energy allows us to see the bigger picture, is collaborative, and chooses things based on feelings.

And it goes both ways—too much feminine energy and you might be saying, “I’m confused, and not able to get things done.”

It doesn’t always have to be a 50/50 split, either. When you’re at work or need to get things done, you might be 70 to 80% in your masculinity and 20 to 30% in your femininity. Everyone’s ratio is a bit different, but when you come home, you need to be able to flip it for your wellbeing, for your health, and for your relationships.

Women are becoming more masculine in their energy, and in order for men to connect with women, they are becoming more feminine. We are losing that polarity. We are just existing as friends and wondering where that spark went. You need that polarity to want a roll in the hay!

We are trying to be too much, which is masculine and becoming less juicy. Without time to reflect and self-care, which is feminine energy, leisure researcher Ben Hunnicutt says, “We starve the capacity we have to love.” When we are too much in our masculine, we over-give and we are overwhelmed. Wear and tear happens in our bodies. There is a cost.

You can give up this cloak of struggle by turning up your feminine energy and by giving yourself permission to experience pleasure, comfort, and peace.

Like I said earlier, we live in a world that celebrates you for how hard you work, how busy you are, and how much multi-tasking you are capable of. Not surprisingly, it’s a world that celebrates masculine energy over feminine energy. Pleasure is a lot like Cinderella. She never gets the proper invitation to the party. And just like the stepsisters, everyone feels a little funny hanging out with her.

It is not a luxury. It is a necessity. The women who take my boot camp send a pleasure-a-day to the group every day for two weeks. They look actually radiant when they come back—after even one week! They start looking forward to and anticipating things that will be exciting.

So what would you do for pleasure? Where do you find ease? What gives you comfort? Do not be roped into what our society deems praise-worthy. Take care of yourself, tap into your feminine energy, and start living a healthy and enjoyable life!

What If?

Life CoachElizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, believes that ideas are magical, energetic life forms that float and swirl around in the atmosphere, waiting to be claimed by a human being below.

One of these energetic life forms flits past you as you go about your day, and you get the spark of a creative thought in your mind; an idea. It could be about anything: a phrase for a potential poem, a landscaping plan for your front yard, a solution to a problem at work, or even a more efficient way to load the dishwasher.

You stop and marvel at your idea for half a second, and then resume what you were doing. And most of the time? That idea is gone forever. “And so what?” you might think. “It must not have been that important.”

But what if it could have been?

What if Margaret Atwood had felt the flutter of an idea about a dystopian novel, and just shook it off and focused on folding her laundry instead? Goodbye, A Handmaid’s Tale. What if Valerie Thomas had let her creative thoughts slip away into nothingness? Maybe we wouldn’t know about the dangers to the ozone layer.

No, not every idea has the potential to create a significant impact on the world of literature or science. But there are plenty of ideas that float around you that could significantly impact your life. The problem is that you need to catch them before they blow away and are out of reach.

Whether you believe ideas are independent entities drifting above you, or created internally by your mind and spirit, know that they are fleeting. Try keeping a notebook with you, or use a notes app on your phone, and see what happens when you jot down your random ideas for a few days. You won’t want to see all of your ideas through—and that’s perfectly fine. But take a look at the list you accumulate and take a look at all the potential and creativity you’ve created just by capturing your thoughts and ideas. Then maybe pick one or two to investigate further.

 

Solutions

“Don’t focus on the problem. Focus on the solution.” -Roz Moskovits

How many days months and years go by with you tolerating a problem instead of seeking or hunting down a solution? Like a dripping faucet. The dripping irritates you, but you keep putting off calling a plumber or learning how to fix it yourself. You know logically you’ll be happier when it’s fixed and the dripping is over, but you keep telling yourself you don’t have time, you’re not sure where to start, you don’t know who to call, or whatever the reason is. It’s not so disruptive to your life that it spurs you to make a change immediately, so you keep tolerating it. But the faucet keeps dripping, and it keeps bothering you.

We all do this for many different situations, and that is why having a great coach is one of your best allies.

For example, during my western dressage riding lessons, it was obvious that I was fidgeting with my stirrups. My coach, Roz, asked about it and reminded me a solution was the answer. Western riders greatly benefit from “turning” their stirrups. When a rider turns their stirrups, they train the stirrup fenders and the leathers beneath them to twist outwards, which turns the stirrups outward from the sides of the horse at a right angle. Turned stirrups offer a rider easier and safer mounting and dismounting, less strain in their legs while riding, and far greater ease in regaining a lost stirrup while riding.

The solution was wonderful. Less distraction, more focus and ease during the ride. Why hadn’t I done it sooner?

What is the problem or irritant you’re tolerating right now? What are the possible solutions? What is stopping you from seeking out these solutions? Are you too focused on the issue and not focused enough on finding the answer?

Starting Before You Are Ready!

Anytime we want to shift or do something new it is natural to meet with resistance and perhaps stall. The best thing to do is to start before you are ready.

Feeling resistance and doubt is because of the way we’re hard-wired (Check out this video for more information: https://youtu.be/8cHGnaw-gBE). Anything new causes alarm in our multidimensional system, and a lot of times it shuts down our new course of action.

Today, making this video seemed almost daunting. I had a busy day on the farm, a riding lesson, and meals to prepare for the crew. But you just have to go for it! Look at my video below—my hair is flat from my riding helmet and the lighting is off. Oh, well! I am proud to get it on the FB page because I have something to share that I am very passionate about.

So start before you are ready. It’s all feedback and information. The ones that you are supposed to reach will be reached. And I will high five myself with an “I did it!” This will build confidence and bandwidth for more.

Top 4 Reads for 2016 (So far!)

Allow yourself to benefit from the wisdom and experience of others. Take some time for yourself, have a cup of tea, grab a cozy blanket, open one of these four fantastic books, and learn how to grow, heal, and love yourself. Expand your limitations and possibilities.

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
By Elizabeth Gilbert

From Amazon: Readers of all ages and walks of life have drawn inspiration and empowerment from Elizabeth Gilbert’s books for years. Now this beloved author digs deep into her own generative process to share her wisdom and unique perspective about creativity. With profound empathy and radiant generosity, she offers potent insights into the mysterious nature of inspiration. She asks us to embrace our curiosity and let go of needless suffering. She shows us how to tackle what we most love, and how to face down what we most fear. She discusses the attitudes, approaches, and habits we need in order to live our most creative lives. Balancing between soulful spirituality and cheerful pragmatism, Gilbert encourages us to uncover the “strange jewels” that are hidden within each of us. Whether we are looking to write a book, make art, find new ways to address challenges in our work,   embark on a dream long deferred, or simply infuse our everyday lives with more mindfulness and passion,  Big Magic cracks open a world of wonder and joy.

Pretty Happy: Healthy Ways to Love Your Body
By Kate Hudson

From Amazon: In almost every interview she gives, Kate Hudson is asked the same questions: What do you eat? How do you stay so fit? What workout do you do? What’s your secret? Well, the secret is that the sound bites the media loves so much don’t tell the story, and the steps you need to take to have a healthy, vibrant and happy life can’t be captured in a short interview. The key to living well, and healthy, is to plug into what your body needs, understanding that one size does not fit all, all the time, and being truly honest with yourself about your goals and desires.

The Urban Monk: Eastern Wisdom and Modern Hacks to Stop Time and Find Success, Happiness, and Peace
By Pedram Shojai

From Amazon: We all struggle to discover satisfaction and contentment in the modern world and yet the more technology we use, the more things seem to get worse. What are we all missing? What will it take for us to find our centers? Pedram Shojai shares how the calmness of Zen masters is attainable in today’s fast-paced world, and with practice, you too can stop time, refuel, and focus on the things that really matter.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
By Bessel van der Kolk, MD

From Amazon: Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In  The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists,  The Body Keeps the Score  exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.

 

What Are You Tolerating?

Photo Credit
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Tolerance is a wonderful thing. It’s important to be tolerant of the beliefs of others, and to be tolerant of honest mistakes and unintended harm. But as with anything, too much of anything is not healthy. When you start tolerating every little thing that bothers you or gets in the way of your happiness, your life starts becoming less your own. And when that happens, it’s time to take a look at the tolerations in your life and decide which ones need to be dealt with.

Tolerations are those little things that you’ve come to accept and cope with, even if they make you unhappy or frustrated. They can be anything from a leaky faucet to a bully co-worker; a minor annoyance or a serious situation that makes you dread something as simple as going to work.

Stop tolerating the little annoyances. Stop tolerating the big stressors. Stand up and say NO MORE! See what happens!

Exercise:

We tend to get dragged down and overwhelmed by things that accumulate over time – and end up cluttering our minds. You may not want to do anything about them right now, but just writing them out will raise your awareness and you’ll naturally start handling, fixing, and resolving them. So, make a list of what you’re putting up with and see what’s cluttering your mind, draining your energy, and slowing you down!

Click HERE to download the Tolerations worksheet

 

Managing Your Energy Vs. Self-Care

You’ve probably heard about self-care. Self-care is an important aspect of life. It’s when you purposefully take the time to nurture yourself, whether it’s meditating, getting a massage, resting, working at your passion or hobby, or just getting your hair done. When you take time for yourself, it replenishes your energy, makes you happy and content, and helps you grow.

But it also triggers feelings of anxiety and guilt for some women. As women, we’re seen as the nurturers. We put others’ needs first. We bend over backwards to help our loved ones and neglect ourselves. We sacrifice. We ask ourselves, “How can I take time to do a yoga class when I’ve got piles of laundry, an unfinished project at work, a kid that needs homework help, and a million emails and phone calls to respond to?” This always-put-others-first lesson has been ingrained in us for generations. So the concept of prioritizing self-care is often met with hesitation and resistance.

But, still – it’s important. How can we change our mindset so that we make it a priority to take care of ourselves?

I suggest we reframe the concept of self-care into the concept of managing your energy. I believe managing your energy is the key to living the life you desire. And, the concept of managing your energy versus self-care will probably get better support from you and everyone else in your life.

You only have so much energy. And, you want to use that energy to do the things you feel are important, like helping your child with homework or doing a great job at work. When you run out of energy, you’re doing yourself and others a disservice. You’re not giving it your all; you can’t.

To get more energy, to replenish energy, so that you can give 100% when you need to, you need to instill positive, replenishing habits.

95% of our lives are run by habits. Sometimes bad ones. That’s when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and your pre-frontal cortex or your rational and analytical mind shuts down and goes to your subconscious default habits, like reaching for the bag of cookies, or cigarettes, or alcohol, in an attempt to soothe yourself. These habits do not replenish your energy; they deplete it.

Why not guard your energy and replenish it and make deliberate, high-quality choices? Get more sleep, eat foods that are full of life force, laugh and share with friends. Move your body. It is designed to move. Give yourself permission to chill. Take that class you’ve wanted to take for a long time. Go for a hike by yourself.

These types of habits can fill your energy tank back up so that you can be truly present and energized for your job, for your kids, for your partner, and for anything else important to you. Your energy is the most serious thing about you, and you are responsible for managing your energy so that you can bring it to every situation that needs it.

Stop Worrying About Money!

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Worrying about money doesn’t ever help. Worry will not propel you to take action, it doesn’t solve your problems, and it definitely doesn’t help you to attract or manifest more money. Worrying is, simply, the worst thing you can do when you’re broke.
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You may have heard the phrase, “The love of money is the root of all evil.” How we feel about money is really important, especially if we are trying to get more.
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Can you imagine having a relationship with a person the way that you have a relationship with money? You ignore it most of the time, you don’t like to talk about it, and anytime you directly address money, it’s only to complain or to worry about it. That is not a healthy relationship, and it will make money stay away from you.
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A few statements you should use to better describe your current relationship with money:

  • There is more than enough.
  • I am worthy of first-class everything.
  • The more I spend, the more I receive.
  • The more I give, the more I receive.
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When you feel that money is good, and you are good, and you are continually grateful for the money that comes into your life (and grateful for the money that goes out of your life, too!), this allows you to do the things that make money come to you. Most people reach an invisible barrier to having too much money in their lives, and that is what is keeping them from manifesting money. Nobody else is keeping you from making more; it’s only us, and our beliefs, that are limiting us.
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The two things you can do to overcome those limiting beliefs are to feel appreciation for money, and to act. Taking action is the key ingredient that most people miss when they are trying to work with the Law of Attraction – they do it all in their head, instead of manifesting in the real world.
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What are some actions you can do?
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Need money right now?

  • Sell something—items you don’t really need, something you create, or have a garage sale.
  • Freelance—try services such as Odesk.com, elance.com, or fiverr.com.
  • Ask for a raise or a promotion. Come to that meeting prepared on how to discuss your value.
  • Get a part-time job.
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Have some time to earn money?

  • Go back to school or earn a certificate in something that will bring you happiness and more marketability.
  • Consult a financial advisor on investments.
  • Follow your entrepreneurial spirit and start your own business.
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Enjoy your love affair with Money!
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Angela
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